Am I an Idiot or is He Just a Dick?

 Well, I think both of these statements are right. I was totally blind to what now are some obvious signs of his active addiction. He is such a dick. I’ll give you just a few examples of how dumb I was. 

Almost nightly when I got home from work he was blue in the face and hands just lying on the couch; of course, it was his sleep apnea. I would just run up to our bedroom, get his CPAP machine and hook him up. I would sit by his side and lay my hand on his chest to make sure he kept breathing. I mean that’s what a good wife does, isn’t it?

“he was sitting at the wheel, with the car on slumped over.  ”

He said he wanted to make more money for “the family” so he picked up some yards around our neighborhood and said he was going to start selling plasma. We didn’t really need the extra money, but whatever I was so tired of fighting with him. He would give me money when I asked so I never questioned anything. I later found out that he wasn’t giving me all of the money (of course, right). HUGE blow. 

One day I came home and he was passed out on the couch. On the coffee table there was a line of white stuff. I woke him up and started to question him about it. He acted like I was such a bitch for questioning him. It of course was Tylenol. He had to crush it and snort it so it would fix his headache faster. At the time, that seemed logical. God, how dumb was I? 

I was never allowed to look at or touch his cell phone or his wallet. He said that as a kid his sister stole all of his things and would snoop in everything so that was a huge trigger for him. He asked that those be the only two things of his I didn’t touch. I never (even to this day) have gone through his wallet or phone. He 100% doesn’t deserve that, but that was just something I just couldn’t ever do. 

I found him passed out one day at the gas station down the street from our house. He was sitting at the wheel, with the car on slumped over. I woke him up, parked the car and drove us both home. That ended up in a huge fight where I called 911 and he was in ICU again. That was the time he had taken (48) pills in two days. Through all of that he still had me convinced that he was just really tired and he was fine. 

“the absolute hate and mistrust is real but it is all a part of the healing process.”

I can’t even begin to tell you the hundreds of things he did to cover his addiction. When I think of them sometimes they make me crazy. The only thing I can do is put those in the past and move on with Kemmon as he is now… a sober and wonderful man. Through my recovery I have learned that he did all of these things while suffering from an awful disease. Kemmon wasn’t doing any of those things to hurt me; he couldn’t help it. That is much easier said than done, but I work at it daily and I am slowly finding peace. 

The anger is overwhelming. The absolute hate and mistrust is real but it is all a part of the healing process. I strongly encourage anyone who is going through this to seek counseling, support groups and a great network of friends who support and love you. They have all played a huge role in my recovery. 

Truthfully, I don’t know if I would change any of this. This journey has been a rough one, but I have grown so much as a person. I realized that I can do anything I put my mind to. I also know no one deserves to live this way. 

If you are living with someone who is in active addiction, get help. You can’t do this alone. There is a wonderful network of people who are more than willing to help; all you have to do is ask.

7 years later…

I giggled when I read the title of this post. I don’t think I’ve shared this in the blog yet, but the amount of anger I had toward Kemmon was insane. So many questions filled my head: How could I be that stupid? How could he take so much money from us right in front of my eyes? How would I ever trust him again? Why am I staying? It has taken years to build back our trust. 

For so many years our everyday interactions were all a lie. As he started down his path of recovery, he said it was hard to break the constant lying. For example, one day he came home and said he went to McDonald’s. He then quickly followed up with “sorry, that was a lie I actually went to Wendy’s”. I asked why he would lie about something so simple and he said for years he never told me the truth about pretty much anything so it was so ingrained in how he spoke to me. 

I’m surprised at what I wrote at the end of the post. While I 100% agree with the statements, I’m not sure how a year after learning of his addiction I had that perspective. I’m sure it was the support group and all the work I had been doing on myself for myself. I don’t think I was stupid and I also don’t think he’s a dick anymore. We were both sick.

If this is the first time you’re reading anything about addiction, welcome. You’ve found a place where someone can relate to what you’re going through. Please check out Boy Problems Podcast to hear Jessica + Shannon and I tell our stories. And whatever you do, keep coming back.

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