4 ways to build trust after addiction
“trust is built with consistency”
one of the hardest parts of moving from the active addiction stage to recovery is establishing trust. our loved ones substance use disorder encourages them to be dishonest - it’s how the disease cycle can continue. but, lying, manipulation and deceit aren’t exactly the foundational characteristics of a healthy, thriving relationship.
the three of us at recovering too have utilized many tools to help build back trust with our loved ones as they’ve pursued recovery from their addictions. below is a list of some of the ones that have helped the most.
today we share four ways we’ve started to build back trust in our relationships. for even more, check out episode 3: trust of our podcast, Boy Problems Podcast, where we discuss trust and how it’s evolved throughout our recovery journey.
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establish transparency with money
this is possibly the hardest issue to address especially if you shared finances with your struggling loved one. jessica’s spouse used cash tips from his job to purchase drugs - leaving no trace of the transaction. so she never knew if he got tips, used them for lunch or drugs - there was just no good way to track. katie’s spouse took thousands from their accounts to finance his disease. shannon’s partner was short on rent and couldn’t pay other living expenses. these are just a few of the ways money can give us hints our loved ones are using. so what about when they’re trying to recover?
for katie - reciepts were the gold in their house. her spouse had to show receipts for every dollar he spent so she could trust where that money went. and, her spouse had limited access to their accounts and used a refillable debit card for awhile as he regained trust and responsibility related to their finances.
for jessica - her spouse works in service industry and he would get tipped out at the end of each day. but, to help create a safer environment for his recovery he asked his employer to put those tips on his weekly check instead of getting that cash daily. this provided jessica a way to track his income and limited the amount of cash he had access to when he was early in recovery.
give at home drug tests
one simple way to determine if your loved one is sober is to administer a drug test. drug tests are easy to obtain - we use these - and can simply be stored in your medicine cabinet and pulled out when there’s any question. the hardest part about this option is getting the buy in from your loved one. in our experience our loved ones have been willing to do this simple step if they are serious about gaining trust back. and maybe less willing if they are still trying to play both sides. jessica still uses these to this day and it’s become a very easy way to just squash any of her doubts as old triggers arise.
encourage open communication
this one seems kinda obvious, right!? well it is, but what may not be so obvious is how difficult it is for our loved ones to relearn (or learn for the very first time) healthy communication and how to have a discussion - you know listen and respond in a productive way. this may sound silly - if so you’re probably in a healthier spot with your communication with your loved one. if this sounds very accurate, well, welcome to the club. all three of us had to navigate learning how to have constructive, honest conversations with our loved ones as they entered recovery. for jessica they had to attend couples counseling so they could have facilitated conversations where their therapist taught them techniques on literally how to talk, listen and respond. and it helped! well that and lots of time and practice. finding ways to share your feelings in a positive way with one another can be essential to both of your healing. we’re big advocates for using professionals for this. we know how hurt and emotional (or angry?!) we can be at the beginning of recovery so having a third party can help process those feelings into a positive message.
get involved with medical treatments
many times people entering recovery have neglected their health in numerous ways. all of this new information can be overwhelming for both them and you! we’ve found being involved in our loved ones treatment plans, appointments and medicine schedules can help ease our anxieties and provide some transparency and accountability around the plan. it can also be very helpful to our loved ones while they try to stay focused on their early recovery to have someone else support them through this part.
“when trust improves, the mood improves”
katie and shannon have both administered suboxone to their partners to ensure they were only taking the prescribed amounts.
jessica would go with her partner to his appointments to get his vivitrol shots so she knew he got them (and she could rest easy for a few weeks)
these are just some of the tools we’ve used to navigate early recovery while trust (and hearts) are broken. if you’re here, we’re sorry we’ve met under these circumstances - BUT we’re so glad to have you in our community and hope our stories help you navigate yours.
keep coming back.
need more?
listen to our podcast, Boy Problems Podcast where we discuss addiction and recovery.
follow us on instagram @boyproblemspod to see more of our personal journey
join our monthly, free virtual support group
support us on Patreon
check out Katie’s talk about her personal journey with trust.
