the start of my nightmare
“ i didn’t want to see that the man i had spent the last nine years of my life with was a liar.”
Kemmon and I got married in November 2012. It was a magical day and there is pretty much nothing I would change. Neither of us even had a chance to have a beer that night because we were just so busy chatting with all of our guests. Now, another big part of our story is Kemmon was working overnights (like 11pm to 6am) until after we got married. He was always tired, couldn’t sleep well and we didn’t really have a chance to hang out much. I worked almost every Saturday, so Sundays were our day to hang out and we had to be mindful of his sleep schedule because the overnight shift just beats up your body.
In January 2013 Kemmon got a new job working 2nd shift (2pm to 10pm). We were both on cloud nine. We could hang out! I didn’t have to sleep alone at night and he didn’t have to sleep until 2pm because he was on a NORMAL SCHEDULE. Now, at this time I had a good girlfriend whose husband was working out of state. She and I would go out all of the time to dinner, drinks, movies and would have amazing conversations. Unfortunately in October 2013, her husband’s company moved them to Hawaii and that is when I started to notice I hated my marriage and my life.
My friend was filling a void in my life that I didn’t know I had. Kemmon and I weren’t really talking and we got into fights about money all of the time. He didn’t want to go out to dinner with me or even just talk. He just wanted to stay home and sleep. During this time, we discovered that Kemmon had severe sleep apnea and he was fitted for a CPAP machine. Basically what that machine does, for those of you who don’t know, makes the person start breathing again if they stop while they sleep (which Kemmon did all the time).
“my friend was filling a void i didn’t know i had.”
I told Kemmon how sad I was and how unmotivated I was and he encouraged me to seek professional help. I LOVE counseling… if I could afford it I think I would go three times a week. Anyway, I went to a counselor for a while and told her about how sad I was and blah blah blah all that stuff. She said that she thought that I wasn’t happy in my marriage and I was like “no way, I love Kemmon… I think I’m sad because I wasn’t able to mourn my mom dying”. While I do think I haven’t fully mourned my mom being gone, I just wanted her to not talk about my marriage. I knew deep down I wasn’t happy with Kemmon. I also knew that I wasn’t going to do anything about it. She kept pushing me about Kemmon and I just stopped going.
7 Years Later…
Reading this back I can see all the signs. It would be super easy to beat up on myself but I won’t. I didn’t want to see that the man I had spent the last nine years of my life with was a liar. I also didn’t want to show that our seemingly perfect life was all crap. I am so glad I continued on this journey with Kemmon. If you would have told me we’d have two children and a wonderful boring life I wouldn’t have believed you. Counseling is one of the best things I have done in my life. I encourage everyone, even if you think ‘nothing is wrong’, to go seek one out.
If this is the first time you’re reading anything about addiction, welcome. You’ve found a place where someone can relate to what you’re going through. Please check out Boy Problems Podcast to hear Jessica + Shannon and I tell our stories. And whatever you do, keep coming back.
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