“I’ll Kill That Bitch”

The next days were an absolute blur. We had to get things taken care of with the wrecked car so Kemmon went to impound. I tried to call him a few times, but he wasn’t answering. I called the impound lot and found out Kemmon was causing a scene because they wouldn’t let him remove his new radio / CD player we had just installed. I drove to the impound lot and tried to talk him down. He was so out of it. I don’t know what I did, but I was able to get through to him and we left. 

“i just had this horrible feeling that i was about to watch my husband crash into a wall and die.”

Since we drove there separately, I had to follow him home. I wasn’t comfortable with him driving, but he assured me he was fine. It was about an hour for us to get home, and I was talking to him on his cell phone like I usually did when I thought he was acting weird and driving. He was swerving so badly that I told him to hang up and concentrate on the road. Right when we were about to get off the interstate I see that Kemmon is NOT turning his wheel for the curve that was ahead of him. I tried honking and flashing my lights, but nothing seemed to work. I just had this horrible feeling that I was about to watch my husband crash into a wall and die. At the VERY last minute he jerked the car, and we made it home. 

The next day I was off of work. Kemmon called me in a panic saying that I had to go back to the impound lot and get something out of his car. Reluctantly he told me it was a pawn slip for his dad’s gold necklace. Now, Kemmon’s mom didn’t keep many of Kemmon’s dad’s items after he passed, and necklace was one of his most cherished possessions. I drove the hour to the impound lot, got the pawn slip, drove to a dangerous part of town, and bought back his dad’s necklace. I had never been to a pawn shop and didn’t know how the whole process worked. When I tried to pay for his dad’s necklace with my credit card they just looked at me like I was stupid. I somehow scraped $83 out of my wallet, while crying, and got it back. There are no words to describe the feelings I felt. 

Somewhere in the next few days we made a few trips to the ER for Narcan because I knew something was going on. These trips weren’t nearly as dramatic as the others, but they weren’t fun at all. He was just so mean to the nurses. It made me want to vomit because there was nothing I could do. Since we had seen the same nurses a couple of times now in the ER, one pulled me aside and told me that I should attend Nar-anon meetings. She shared that someone in her family was an addict and there was nothing she could do to fix him. She said I need to help myself and stop worrying about Kemmon.  

““man if you bring your fucking wife I will kill her””

OH and how could I forget… one of his heroine dealers threatened my life. One day Kemmon called me and said that he needed $100 to pay off his dealer. Of course, I didn’t believe him and told him I wasn’t going to give him the money. Kemmon was freaking out. He said his dealer was going to kill him if he didn’t bring the money. 

So what did I do? I made him call the dealer on speaker phone to make sure he really needed the money. The guy on the other line sounded so scary, like he didn’t care about anything but getting his money and would be okay with hurting someone if they didn’t pay. Kemmon told the dealer that I wasn’t going to give him the money unless I came and dropped it off with him. That’s when the dealer said, “Man if you bring your fucking wife, I will kill her”. Needless to say, I was scared and pissed off. I had to give my addict of a husband $100 to go pay off his dealer. 

Of course, I gave him the money, and I waited around the block for Kemmon to get back. It felt like an eternity waiting for him. He finally returned, and we drove back to our house. 

I think the next day we had an appointment with our marriage counselor. I went to get Kemmon from home and noticed he looked weird. I was so mad because he knew we had to meet with the counselor that day. On our way to the appointment, we got caught in some traffic. He said that we wanted to lay back and take a nap in the car. When he laid back, he stopped breathing. I kept hitting his chest saying, “Baby come on, you have to keep breathing.”

We finally pulled up, and I told him I thought he was fucked up. He said I was crazy and he was fine. So he stayed outside to smoke a cigarette, and I went inside to check in. I whispered to the lady behind the counter that I thought my husband was under the influence and I didn’t know what to do. She said she would tell the counselor before she came to get us. 

The moment we stepped into the counselor’s office she basically called his shit. She said that I needed to take him to ER. He was so mean to her. He said she didn’t know what she was talking about and that he was fine. I started balling. I didn’t know what to do. She was mad, he was mad and I was lost. She said she would call the cops and have him taken to the hospital unless he said he would go with me. I was frozen, I couldn’t feel my legs. Somehow we ended up in the emergency room again with another shot of Narcan.

7 years later…

There is so much packed in this post. Multiple trips to the ER, impound lot, and a pawn shop. While all of this was going on I just had no idea what to do or how to navigate life. I think at this point I had just told one of my friends what was going on and she didn’t know what to say or do. People who haven’t been through addiction just have no clue about all of the wild things that can happen and many times in short spans of time. Even while reading this back my heart aches for the old me. I wish I would have reached out, I wish I would have had more resources at my fingertips but it just didn’t exist. If you’re currently in this wild mess of addiction please know you don’t have to hide. There is a wonderful community of people to help you walk this path.

If this is the first time you’re reading anything about addiction, welcome. You’ve found a place where someone can relate to what you’re going through. Please check out Boy Problems Podcast to hear Jessica + Shannon and I tell our stories. And whatever you do, keep coming back.

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